The Words given by My Parent Which Helped Us when I became a New Father

"I believe I was merely trying to survive for the first year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the difficulties of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality rapidly became "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, each diaper… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a chat with his father, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he required support.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a good place. You require some help. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While the public is now better used to talking about the pressure on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the struggles new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan believes his struggles are part of a larger failure to talk among men, who continue to internalise damaging ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a display of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men often don't want to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental well-being is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the chance to take a respite - taking a couple of days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan believes these will help his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "bad decisions" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to behaviours that don't help," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you feel swamped, tell a family member, your partner or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the things that made you feel like you before having a baby. It could be exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and when you can, resting, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Know that asking for help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the security and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their pain, transformed how they communicate, and learned to manage themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I wrote, at times I believe my role is to instruct and tell you what to do, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."